By now, you should know how I feel about Transformers 2. I didn’t review it for Unreality – Paul did a great job of that – but I’ve made my feelings known on this movie in comments sections and other articles. This is going to be the last thing I post on Transformers 2 – unless it comes up in a “list” sometime down the line – because even I can’t deal with this much negativity. I loathed everything about Transformers 2, and no, I wasn’t expecting an Oscar contender. I planned to “turn off my brain,” abandon logic, and to just sit back and enjoy some robot-on-robot violence. I couldn’t – I was hit with a barrage of stupidity and laziness and I hated every second of the movie. There are literally hundreds to pick from, but after the jump, take a look at 20 reasons Transformers 2 absolutely sucked.
1. Sam’s mom eating pot brownies. First of all, pot brownies come in a baggie displaying a marijuana leaf? Second of all, it’s clear Michael Bay has never eaten nor seen anyone eat pot brownies. I assure you he or she wouldn’t act how Sam’s mom did.
2. Devastator’s testicles. It’s amazing to me that a PG-13 movie is aimed at eight-year olds.
3. Sam’s dogs humping each other. Again, who finds this funny? There was absolutely no point at all for Sam’s dogs to be in this movie aside than to show them humping each other.
4. Megan Fox. Yes, of course she’s smoking hot, but if I wanted to see her, I could pick up a magazine or just go on the Internet. She brought nothing to this movie whatsoever; all she did was follow Sam around during chase scenes. Oh, wait, there was something she did…
5. Sam is resurrected because Mikaela (Megan Fox) tells him she loves him. Really. That really happened. It’s 2009 and that happened in a movie released this summer.
6. The goofy twins. Skids and Mudflap. Pretty easily the most annoying characters since Jar-Jar Binks, and I’d say they give him a run for his money. And I know I’m not the first to point this out, but good God, could their depiction be any more racist? Illiterate, gold teeth, and talking about “busting caps?” Where is Al Sharpton on this one?
7. The small decepticon humping Megan Fox’s leg. Hilarious.
8. John Turturo’s underwear. Glad that was added in; I didn’t get enough “Turtuto in his underwear” humor from the first movie.
9. Bumblebee can no longer speak. Why? Because apparently it’s clever to use audio clips and songs for his speech instead of having any type of cohesion with regard to his speech in the first movie. But hell, if I’m looking for consistency, then I’m the idiot.
10. Farting transformers. When the parachute came out of Jetfire’s rear end, that nearly brought the house down. Or no, I must have mistaken the theater’s collective groans for laughter.
11. The action scenes. Look, the argument that “sometimes you just want to shut your brain off and watch some cool action scenes” only works if the action scenes are worth watching. The action scenes in Transformers 2 were anticlimactic, drawn-out, and essentially confusing. I could make out Optimus Prime and Bumblebee, but I must have thought that Megatron was killed about 17 times during this movie.
12. Only a Prime can kill The Fallen. Why? Why the eff not? I am 100% convinced that Michael Bay filmed a boatload of action scenes and the writers were instructed to somehow create a story surrounding those scenes.
13. The frat party Sam attends. I went to some pretty awesome frat parties back in my day, but none of them had $250,000 budgets like the one in Transformers 2 did. Kegs and Beirut? Nah, this one had a light show and a sound system you’d find at a Vegas nightclub.
14. The female decepticon (Pretender) disguised as a college girl. Aside from the fact that this really had nothing to do with the story (which can be said about almost everything in Transformers 2), her presence didn’t even make sense. Let me get this straight: The Decepticons went to the trouble of enrolling this “girl” in Sam’s classes and register her for housing in his dorm so that they could learn what Sam knew before he freaked out in class and wrote those symbols all over the board? OK.
15. Sam’s roommate. Seriously, get worse.
16. The U.S. military has been keeping Transformers secret from the public. Which would be OK except for, you know, the thousands of witnesses who saw giant robots fighting in a major metropolitan city in the first movie. But I guess that stuff is easy to just sweep under the rug.
17. Sam’s bandage on his hand. Does anyone know where this came from? I don’t remember him hurting his hand, and I don’t remember him wrapping his hand with a bandage.
18. Transformers can teleport? OK, fine, whatever. I give up.
19. The Bad Boys II poster in Sam’s dorm room. Because that’s what kids are hanging up in college. Not posters of Belushi with his “College” sweatshirt, and not Einstein with his tongue sticking out, but a Bad Boys II poster. F*ck you, Michael Bay. And while we’re on the topic, Bad Boys II sucked, too.
20. People defending this movie. No, this isn’t part of the movie, but it’s necessarily associated with it, and all it does is make me hate this movie even more. Please, please stop with the “not everything has to be intellectual, sometimes you should be able to just enjoy a summer blockbuster without thinking.” Iron Man was a fun summer blockbuster. So was Star Trek. There is no defending this movie. I think it’s the worst I’ve ever seen. What’s worse is that as long as the general public continues to accept and even embrace these types of movies, our collective intelligence will continue to plummet and our collective attention spans will continue to shorten.
